A Demented Fantasy
I feel like I've had a bubble pierced. But I knew it was a bubble all along. That is why I played along with it. It was a fantasy. A silly one. An unusual one. One so unusual that I found it stimulating and interesting. Interesting, but not especially healthy or realistic. Ultimately, it was a fantasy.
Life was not supposed to go like this.
I was thinking about it today. I am like an orphan dropped off here in this country, the United States. The language barrier makes it so that I am cut off from my extended family. My thoughts, my dreams, my emotions, my frames of reference are all in English. I feel kinship to England in a very intellectual way that I do not feel kinship to Taiwan, where my family is from. Part of it is the contempt of familiarity. Within the people of Taiwan I see my own flaws.
My own flaws are magnified by mere fact of being a minority here.
I was thinking tonight that I was acting like a cuck, in the alt-right terminology. My relationship with the alt-right is of course fraught with complexity. If I were born white, I likely would be in it. The alt-right actually elaborates the truths of the society which exist, but which are not acknowledged or verbalized. It was my own experience in feeling the double standards, the hollowness of much of the rhetoric and holy touchpoint of the Left viewpoint, which has defined my experience in America. In America I found that I didn't really fit into the counter-culture, which in reality is the dominant culture.
I am hesitant to mix with the population around me. I say this after much reflection. I view much of them with disdain, irritation at their own flaws, bafflement and irritation at their own propensities. They are barbarians. I am civilized. But I've also come to appreciate the barbarian virtues of the people around me. And ultimately, would I rather live in an Asian society or an American society? I don't know. I have a feeling, ultimately, that I can appeal to fairness in the American society in a way I cannot in the Asian society. My own father's mental complexes see to that, where he demonstrated a paranoia that can only come from living in a gangster society.
At the end of the day, I am seen first and foremost as an Asian male. That defines my experience. Race is real, race matters, race is the foundation of identity.
Life was not supposed to go like this.
I was thinking about it today. I am like an orphan dropped off here in this country, the United States. The language barrier makes it so that I am cut off from my extended family. My thoughts, my dreams, my emotions, my frames of reference are all in English. I feel kinship to England in a very intellectual way that I do not feel kinship to Taiwan, where my family is from. Part of it is the contempt of familiarity. Within the people of Taiwan I see my own flaws.
My own flaws are magnified by mere fact of being a minority here.
I was thinking tonight that I was acting like a cuck, in the alt-right terminology. My relationship with the alt-right is of course fraught with complexity. If I were born white, I likely would be in it. The alt-right actually elaborates the truths of the society which exist, but which are not acknowledged or verbalized. It was my own experience in feeling the double standards, the hollowness of much of the rhetoric and holy touchpoint of the Left viewpoint, which has defined my experience in America. In America I found that I didn't really fit into the counter-culture, which in reality is the dominant culture.
I am hesitant to mix with the population around me. I say this after much reflection. I view much of them with disdain, irritation at their own flaws, bafflement and irritation at their own propensities. They are barbarians. I am civilized. But I've also come to appreciate the barbarian virtues of the people around me. And ultimately, would I rather live in an Asian society or an American society? I don't know. I have a feeling, ultimately, that I can appeal to fairness in the American society in a way I cannot in the Asian society. My own father's mental complexes see to that, where he demonstrated a paranoia that can only come from living in a gangster society.
At the end of the day, I am seen first and foremost as an Asian male. That defines my experience. Race is real, race matters, race is the foundation of identity.
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