Christmas Day 2017 alone in a hotel room

I'm not sure if I am capable of a relationship.

It is something that I am loathe to actually think about. I've certainly had ample opportunity. And life is what you make of your circumstances. I am significantly disadvantaged compared to people I have known. I am also significantly advantaged compared to people I have known.

I have had ample opportunity. I could have. And yet I never did.

God provides the opportunity, but it is up to you to take it, to accept it.

I'm not sure why I never accepted it.

I'm not a homosexual. I could see myself in certain circumstances becoming one. It would be too easy, scarily easy. But I simply do not intellectually accept it for myself. I don't even really think that it is a legitimate aspect of people, ie people are not really born this way. People are born as they are, but it is up to them to make of it what they will.

It is a choice, either way. And you can respect other's choices or your own choices. The shame and anger that so many people go through is because of their inability to respect the legitimacy of choice.

I'm not sure if I am capable of a relationship. I had a friend of mine ask this of me, if I had ever been in one. I have, of sorts. But it was very short term. Technically I have. But I have never really known long-term, the normalcy of a relationship. It is one of those extremely frustrating things in life, how what I think should be just isn't happening.

I also have my own standards. I could lower them. I have in fact lowered them, to my regret.

And yet I ask myself how this happened.

I have to say it goes back to my relationship with father and mother. Father did not pass down masculine qualities. He often was whiny, needy, panicky, negative, and demented. I had to live with this for the formative decades of my life. I cannot erase this. Worse of all, because I am a different ethnicity, I cannot seamlessly meld into a greater whole. My family unit is individual.

So that is what it is. A perfect storm.

I'm alone this Christmas. I've been alone my entire life. It began early. It only compounded from there. I've had opportunities. I've missed them.

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